Not sleeping...but maybe that would be more productive....

AHHHH....I have just spent the second all nighter without much progress.  I am thinking maybe if I just start writing something that I will decide to just keep going and write my discussion too.  I am not sure what I am experiencing but I think it is a whole lot of wow I haven't been in school really for 4 years and I have no motivation to actually do this and I don't care about ants or Hawaii...although if someone gave me a ticket to go there, I would go.  I think I am really stupider then I used to be.  I know pregnancy did it but I felt like I was coming out of the phase.  I wonder if it is an estrogen thing?  After the surgery I had to be on a lot of that....I think my big problem is I like to come up with a lot of excuses instead of just doing it.  My daddy used to tell me all the time (when I was stressing about having to wake up early for my paper route) that "A weenie (or is that worrier) dies a thousand deaths...but a hero dies just one."  I think that must be it.  I am dead and didn't know it....I think heaven might be nicer....I sure hope so.  If not, I am going to go start boozing it up and wearing skanky clothes.  OK back to the subject....so I lost my brains.  I worked all night on my thesis last night and then around noonish, I realized I hadn't eaten anything for a day or so and I thought I should make some tomatoe soup.  I turned it on and then made Cody a sandwich and started feeding Kita some mac and cheese (microwave kind). Cody left a little later and I started working on some graphs:  showing here:..

... all of the sudden I look up and black smoke is billowing out of the kitchen....Kita and I both couldn't breathe.  We had a quick lesson on what to do in case of a fire and I showed her how you put your head right close to the ground so you won't breathe in smoke.  I couldn't believe how gross the smoke was.  I have started plenty of fires in the short while I have been living at the village but I was impressed with this one.  I didn't actually see any flames but the smoke nearly knocked me out.  Plus, it has permeated my whole apartment.  I have been spraying tons of fabreeze (which bytheway I totally do not believe their commercials...fabreeze...it can't cover stink up that well....it just a little baby powder to stink) I have also plugged in every yummy smell maker thing I own.  Anyhoe, one of my friends said her husband was walking by and asked if someone was smoking weed because it was a sweet smelling smoke...ahhhh.  All of my clothes smell and I have been doing laundry all night and I am still not finished. It was just a little pan that got smoked but it sure nastified our apartment.  Although, I do have one nice thought and it is that I think this is the first time I have made tomatoe soup without it boiling over! :)
Sleep is taking me over....does anyone else get a red nose when they don't sleep enough?  My body is crazy...

Thoughts starting out...

Ok...so I am starting this new blog.  I typically don't like to write a lot because I feel like I am not a very good writer, however, I used to write in a journal often and I miss the ability to go back and see my thoughts and feelings.  I have been going through a lot lately and I thought that maybe it would be helpful for me to sort out all of my feelings and vent a little if I wrote things out.  I guess my big issues right now are
#1-Finishing my thesis
#2-Fertility issues
#3-Moving to Jacksonville
#4-Teaching BIO 100
#5-Motherhood
#6-Friendship
#7-Fatigue
It is 2 am and I have spent most of the day working on the ole thesis.  I am not sure why I am awake but I feel like it takes me so long to wake up in the morning that once I am awake I want to take advantage of any ambition that is left in me.  It is hard to describe the way I feel/symptoms and I don't think anyone really understands how I do feel.  I am just so tired all of the time that it hurts.  To wake up I have to take my ADD meds.  I have tried caffeine but that just makes me feel sick to my stomach and I don't think it really keeps me awake. I have also tried vitamin B but I am not sure if that helps either.  I think the thing that helps the most is taking my prenatal vitamins and DHEA.  Anyway, the real thing that helps is being outside and having lots of natural sunlight and my association with people.  I am so sad to leave my best friends-Liz and Tania- they have really helped me so much to feel good about myself and feel like people really do like me.  I am really nervous about moving to Jacksonville and making new friends.  I feel like I am fairly gregarious yet I don't have a good filter between my thoughts and my mouth.  Luckily, I don't think very rude things, normally they are just inappropriate and badly timed.  It is just hard because I think it takes a little while for people to get to know me and then they are like, "Oh, it's just Camie..."  I am an extravert where I really do gain my energy from associations with people.  So I am really nervous for moving to Jacksonville and being all by myself.  Cody is going to be working all the time and so it will just be me and Kita at some home (if we ever find anything....).  Lucky for me I just LOVE being with my little girl.  She is such a sweetheart and so perfect.  She is just the right mix between having crazy energy and being able to cuddle and read books and watch shows. She is fascinated with learning,very coordinated, and a great people person.  I really couldn't be happier with my adorable girl.  Lately she is determined to say her "l"s and "th"s perfectly.  We practice curling her tongue on the roof of her mouth while we say the "l". and practice sticking out her tongue while we say the "th".  I will be busy doing something and I will hear Mykita sitting on the couch "yaLalala."  She get's that from her Daddy.  If she isn't good at something he will keep practicing until she conquers it. She really thinks about stuff.  I love to lay down with her.  I try to get her to fall asleep but she just keeps on talking.  She tells me about her friends and what they do and if she got in trouble what she did, then she tells me about Jesus and what she has been learning in primary or during fhe/scriptures.  Here are a few funny things that she has said lately: she was going to the bathroom and said matter of factually, "sometimes bad guys eat poo."  I tried to explain to her that poo was gross and no one ate it, but she insisted that I told her that---hopefully she doesn't tell anyone else that.   Then, the other day she did something that I got her in trouble for.  She thinks it is funny to talk about potty stuff.  I was holding her while she was naked and she said "I peed on you mom" (she didn't -thank goodness).  I got mad at her and said that, that wasn't funny and she should say things like that because no one thought it was funny.  She felt bad because I got mad at her and because I didn't think she was funny.  So she got a really sad face on and then whined/yelled, "You hurt my feelings!" then she started to cry a little and yelled, "and now you are making me cry!"  It was so sad/hilarious... I am thankful that I have a girl who knows how to communicate her feelings.  Anyway, I better finish writing the extra final for BIO100 for the student who didn't read the syllabus and decided to fly to Australia instead of come to the final....I am way too nice.  I even wrote on the syllabus that if you did not come to the final then you would fail the course.  I need to learn to not be nice because it makes for a hecka lot more work for me...